By Dr. Jane Greer
Everyone feels they were scourged in the aftermath of betrayal, and in an effort to work through that and regain their equilibrium they like to talk about what happened, often to anyone who will listen. Sometimes, though, while that can make someone feel better in the moment, it can cause greater trouble down the line and further delay the journey back to personal peace and happiness. Whether you are in the public eye or not, speaking out about the person who hurt you can be tempting. For example, Evan Felker’s ex-wife Staci Nelson reacted recently to claims that he cheated on her with country superstar Miranda Lambert. Doing this can feel like your chance to set the record straight by telling your side of the story, and it can feel like a way to fight back. You’ve been wronged, so this is your way to make it right.
Sometimes speaking out about the one who wronged you can be helpful, while other times it can cause more negativity. So how can you balance it? This relationship advice comes down to what you say, and whom you say it to.
The obvious place to go to vent your anger and frustration is to friends and family, since they are the people who know you and support you. They may encourage you by asking you to tell them what happened, or they may be more provoking by launching a missile and speaking badly about your ex-partner, thus throwing logs on the already flaming fire. Try to be careful, however, about what you share with them for a few reasons. While the initial reaction is to look to end the connection, sometimes cheating can actually help people reevaluate and overhaul their relationship to make it stronger and more resilient than it was before. There are enough times that people get back together. If in fact you and your ex do reconcile one day you don’t want your friends and family members to have turned so completely against him or her and become so alienated that it makes it difficult for you to reconnect. Also, there is always the matter of the people you shared while you were together. What if, during your relationship, your cousin became good friends with your ex-husband, or your college best friend’s wife is now best friends with your ex-wife? These are hard connections to break, and it helps to be aware of the tricky position that putting down your ex, who may still be an important factor in their lives, can put the people you love in. While oftentimes there is a strong pull to rally as many people as possible to your camp, drawing these lines can sometimes be very divisive and you risk creating more losses for you with your existing relationships if people feel they have to choose a side.
Related Link: Celebrity News: Miranda Lambert Throws Shade at Celebrity Ex Blake Shelton With Key Lyric Change
Being able to vent and say bad things about your ex can be an important initial step, but you want to continue to take subsequent steps and have that not be where you remain. Instead of only demeaning them and looking to do a character assassination, start to shift what you are expressing to focus on the impact their betrayal had on you and how you are dealing with it. To begin the real healing, it is important to be in touch with all of your feelings, not just your anger. This way it can eventually become less about stirring the brew of your rage and more about developing your self-awareness. In my book How Could You Do This to Me?: Learning to Trust After Betrayal, I speak about blind trust. Was this going on for you? Were you too trusting, did you see signs and ignore them, or did you miss them completely? It is this reflection and understanding that will enable you to learn how to trust your own judgement so that you feel better equipped to protect yourself in the future and keep this from happening again. By doing this it helps you to stop perpetuating the negative by keeping yourself in the role of victim, and instead shift to moving forward and away from your ex and the fallout of the betrayal.
Related Link: Celebrity Break-Ups: Evan & Staci Felker Were Trying to Have a Baby Before He Met Miranda Lambert
Being deceived is devastating at best, at worst, if not dealt with, it delivers a blow that can keep you feeling low for a long time and can derail you from living your best life. For that reason, doing all this is your emotional health insurance as you go forward. Hopefully, Staci will be able to get back on track and become stronger as she carries on.
Please tune in to the Doctor on Call radio hour on HealthyLife.net every Tuesday at 2 PM EST, 11 AM PST. First and third Tuesdays are Shrink Wrap on Call, second Tuesdays are HuffPost on Call, and the last Tuesday of the month is Let’s Talk Sex! Email your questions dealing with relationships, intimacy, family, and friendships to Dr. Greer at firstname.lastname@example.org. Connect with Dr. Jane Greer on Facebook, at www.facebook.com/DrJaneGreer, and be sure to follow @DrJaneGreer on Twitter for her latest insights on love, relationships, sex, and intimacy. For more on Dr. Greer, visit http://www.drjanegreer.com.