Movie Review: ‘Call Me By Your Name’

By Rachel Sparks

Call Me By Your Name is a coming-of-age story set in 1983 in Italy. It follows the budding romance of Elio (Timothée Chalamet) and Oliver (Armie Hammer). The twists: Oliver is Elio’s research assistant, Judaism, and homosexuality. Armie Hammer has been in notable films, such as Nocturnal Animals, The Birth of a Nation, and Entourage. Timothée Chalamet has been in both TV (Law and Order) and movies (Interstellar). The film is packed with tension, drama, and faith.

This movie is filled with budding relationship advice!

Should you see it: 

If you loved the anticipation of an impactful ending like Interstellar, Call Me By Your Name will take you down a winding storyline. The challenges of forbidden romance create anticipation and hope.

Who to take: This is a romance story at its core, so find someone who loves matters of the heart. No matter their sexual orientation, the story of two people fighting for love against all odds will appeal to any friend. If your significant other is down for a love story, then it will be well worth the watch for a date night.

Cupid’s Advice:

Coming out to friends and family is one of the most terrifying things anyone could do. Admitting this to yourself is even more challenging. Whether it’s you or someone you care about, Cupid has relationship advice for this new territory:

1. Don’t de-individualize: A lot of people are far more accepting of homosexuality than ever before, but that doesn’t mean it’s any easier to admit a new aspect of someone’s identity. But be careful, if someone you care about tells you they’re homosexual, don’t say, “I love all gay people!” As supportive as that may sound, no group of people is ever exactly the same, and by clumping your friend into a group shows you lack knowledge about their new identity.

Related Link: Celebrity Interview: Blake Cooper Griffin Gives Relationship Advice & Says, “Don’t Be Reckless with Other People’s Hearts”

2. Go shopping: One of the best parts of changing your identity is creating a new wardrobe! Embrace your friend’s identity by taking them out for a shopping trip. It will help them feel more confident and show your support.

Related Link: Hollywood’s Gay Power Couples

3. Take them out on the town: Your friend hasn’t changed; they still love going out with you. Show more support for them by taking them out to a club that caters to their needs and play their wingman (or woman). Plus, you’ll both just have a great time dancing and looking good!

Are you adding this emotionally0challenging movie to your must-watch list? What does this make you think about people who may be coming out in your own life? Share any advice you have below!

<!–
http://web.adblade.com/js/ads/async/show.js –>

‘);
script.type = ‘text/javascript’;
script.src = ‘http://widget.crowdignite.com/widgets/28900?_ci_wid=_CI_widget_’+_CI.counter;
script.async = true;
ref.parentNode.insertBefore(script, ref);
})();

Relationship Advice: When Is the Old New Again?

Cupid's Pulse Article: Relationship Advice: When Is the Old New Again?

Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber. Photo: Andrew Evans / PR Photos

By Dr. Jane Greer

Jelena is back! Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are officially back together. This is an instance when what was once old and finished can become new again. Rekindling a relationship in this way can sometimes mean a couple was never really over the feelings they shared for each other the first time around, or that with the passage of time they are simply ready to give it another try. Sometimes extenuating circumstances such as illness can play a role and help them realize what is truly important. With this in mind, an end is not always really an end, and you might have an opportunity one day to reconnect with an old love if they’re single, too. If that happens, it may give you both a chance to deal with unfinished business, and to move forward the way you may have always hoped you would.

How, then, can you get from Point A – a breakup – to Point B – a revived romance?

So many things can bring a relationship to a grinding halt despite the fact that two people still feel love for each other. Career opportunities that force people to live in different places, or one of you wanting one thing – such as marriage or a family – when the other isn’t quite ready. Negative parental pressure can also tear two people apart even if they don’t really want to say goodbye. In these cases it isn’t the feelings people have for each other that threaten the relationship, it is the life/work balance and other outside forces. This can become especially hard to cope with if one or the other jumps into a new relationship quickly to get over the hurt and disappointment of the loss. Even considering that, there still might be feelings of hope that someday they will find their way back to each other and their connection will resume.

Related Link: Relationship Advice: Does Being Wronged Give You The Right To Fight?

Sometimes this can occur with simple good luck – two people find themselves living in the same city again. It can also happen more dramatically, such as when someone becomes ill, as Selena has been with lupus which required a kidney transplant earlier this year. That sort of event can change your perspective and make you question your priorities, turning the small issues that once seemed so important in the past into meaningless details in the present. It may make you more willing to compromise over differences that previously you might have stood your ground on. It might also make you realize that you don’t want to waste any more time hoping and waiting, and one or the other might reach out. When one does that, if the other person is receptive and welcomes the contact, it can leave room to pick up where you left off, rebuild, or even lay down new tracks.

Related Link: Relationship Advice: Can You Cheat Jealousy?

If you have been in a relationship that ended, and find yourself suddenly single and thinking about a former love, if they are also single, it might be a chance to call or write to them. If that person is sick, you can reach out in the name of friendship and offer caring support in those hard times. By doing so you open the door which might lead to something bountiful for both of you, and give new life to the connection you once shared and cherished.
Whatever happens going forward, it seems clear that Selena and Justin indeed have a bond together that has endured.

Please tune in to the Doctor on Call radio hour on HealthyLife.net every Tuesday at 2 PM EST, 11 AM PST. First and third Tuesdays are Shrink Wrap on Call, second Tuesdays are HuffPost on Call, and the last Tuesday of the month is Let’s Talk Sex! Email your questions dealing with relationships, intimacy, family, and friendships to Dr. Greer at askdrjane@drjanegreer.com. Connect with Dr. Jane Greer on Facebook, at www.facebook.com/DrJaneGreer, and be sure to follow @DrJaneGreer on Twitter for her latest insights on love, relationships, sex, and intimacy. For more on Dr. Greer, visit http://www.drjanegreer.com.

<!–
http://web.adblade.com/js/ads/async/show.js –>

‘);
script.type = ‘text/javascript’;
script.src = ‘http://widget.crowdignite.com/widgets/28900?_ci_wid=_CI_widget_’+_CI.counter;
script.async = true;
ref.parentNode.insertBefore(script, ref);
})();

Relationship Advice: How to Handle Engagement Envy

Cupid's Pulse Article: Relationship Advice: How to Handle Engagement Envy

Gigi Hadid and Zayn Malik pose for an issue of Vogue Magazine. Photo: gigihadid/Instagram

By Dr. Jane Greer

Fashion model Gigi Hadid really wants her boyfriend, Zayn Malik, to propose after she found out her ex, Joe Jonas, just got engaged. This is a common response of feeling envious when your ex has moved on from being with you and gets engaged to someone else. It’s difficult to feel like you are a step behind when you see a former partner move forward with increased commitment, planning a future life together with someone else. This can be even more challenging if you are either at a standstill in your current relationship or worse if you’re not in one at all. Engagement envy can strike and push you ahead when in fact you might not be ready to get engaged, as well as lead to pressure that can create conflict.

How, then, can you handle envy and see the potential good you have right now instead of focusing on what could have been or forcing what isn’t meant to be yet? Here’s some relationship advice.

Even though a relationship is over, there can be that urge to look back and wonder what you could have done differently. There might be a lot of bad that led you to the breakup, but somehow people tend to remember that pot of good that brought and kept you together, no matter how small it might be. With that in mind, it is hard not to wonder what you might have been able to do to work things out with your ex. Should you have tried harder, or given the love you once shared a second chance? These feelings can really come to the forefront when your ex becomes engaged to another person. You might even think that could have been, maybe should have been, you.

Related Link: Celebrity Couple News: Gigi Hadid’s Family Calls Zayn Malik a ‘Great Guy’ and Says ‘She’s Happy’

Those negative feelings swirl around the sense that you’ve been cheated. You were the one who put up with so much negativity and worked at getting your partner to change for the better, and now someone else is going to reap the benefits. Or you might feel it’s not fair that your ex so easily found another partner while you might still be looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right. Or, as in Gigi’s case, you might actually be part of a new couple, but seeing your ex get engaged to someone else stirs up your own desire to do the same. This could be stemming from not wanting to see your former lover be more successful than you, resulting in your forcing your new partner to take the next step before either of you are ready.

Related Link: Celebrity Wedding: Joe Jonas & Sophie Turner Are Engaged

All of these scenarios have the undercurrent of envy, which is never a pleasant place to be. So what can you do? First and foremost, remember what was different about the relationship you used to have and why you chose to end it in the first place. Trust your gut that you were taking care of yourself, and the breakup was in your best interest. If your ex was the one to call things off it might help to realize that the expectations he or she had for you were probably unrealistic, and take comfort in the fact that you are now free from that conflict and disappointment.

If you are currently not involved with somebody, it is really important to keep in mind that the connection you had with your ex served a purpose in helping you grow and discover what you are looking for in someone and what you’re not. Even though they are now involved with someone else, try to keep that separate from your life and instead let it shed a light on what you want in your next relationship. Rather than getting caught up in feeling left behind or abandoned, or a failure that you and your ex couldn’t make it work, focus on what you took out of it to better judge and choose your next partner.

Finally, if you are in a relationship as Gigi is, and your ex is already engaged to someone else, consider that this new situation for your ex may perhaps be a rebound romance. They might be in a hurry to have a commitment, and it still might be just as fraught with the complex issues you had together. Just because he or she is choosing to get married now does not mean it will necessarily be smooth sailing ahead. If you can, sit back and maybe find some relief in the fact that it is not you on the road to marriage with someone you already know brings discontent and hard times to the table.

Hopefully Gigi and Zayn will get engaged when the time is right for them, not her ex.

Please tune in to the Doctor on Call radio hour on HealthyLife.net every Tuesday at 2 PM EST, 11 AM PST. First and third Tuesdays are Shrink Wrap on Call, second Tuesdays are HuffPost on Call, and the last Tuesday of the month is Let’s Talk Sex! Email your questions dealing with relationships, intimacy, family, and friendships to Dr. Greer at askdrjane@drjanegreer.com. Connect with Dr. Jane Greer on Facebook, at www.facebook.com/DrJaneGreer, and be sure to follow @DrJaneGreer on Twitter for her latest insights on love, relationships, sex, and intimacy. For more on Dr. Greer, visit http://www.drjanegreer.com.

<!–
http://web.adblade.com/js/ads/async/show.js –>

‘);
script.type = ‘text/javascript’;
script.src = ‘http://widget.crowdignite.com/widgets/28900?_ci_wid=_CI_widget_’+_CI.counter;
script.async = true;
ref.parentNode.insertBefore(script, ref);
})();

Relationship Advice: Does Being Wronged Give You The Right To Fight?

Cupid's Pulse Article: Relationship Advice: Does Being Wronged Give You The Right To Fight?

Christina Aguilera. Photo: PRN / PRPhotos.com

By Dr. Jane Greer

Superstar Pink has revealed that Christina Aguilera tried to punch her in a club during their feud, rather than talking things out. Sometimes when people do not have the skills or the opportunity to deal with their anger directly, that hostility might build up and result in a situation like this, which isn’t healthy for anyone.

So, how can you avoid this a hostile incident, and, more important, how can you guard against feeling so mad that you find yourself wanting to hit someone? Here’s some relationship advice:

Very often when somebody does you wrong, you believe you have the right to feel outrage toward them. If you don’t get to talk through those feelings, they can build up into self-righteousness that you carry around with you like a landmine that might explode anytime it is triggered. Understanding this points to how important it is to speak up when you feel offended or hurt by someone’s behavior or actions toward you. Doing this is essential to your health and well-being.

Related Link: Relationship Advice: Can You Cheat Jealousy?

The best thing to do is to talk directly to the person you have the grievance against. Reach out through a letter, email, or a call, and ask if that person is willing to sit down with you or have a conversation over the phone. Explain that you are upset and would like to clear the air, and hopefully they will respond accordingly. If you can do this, it will not only help to dissipate the fury you feel, but might also lead you to a place of understanding as to why you had such a strong reaction about what happened in the first place. There is also the chance that the person in question did not even realize he or she did something to anger you, and this will give you the opportunity to gain some perspective as to what might have been going on for them. In this way, you can discover something that can help to shift things so that what they did doesn’t occur again.

Of course there are times it isn’t possible to speak directly to the person. If, for example, they refuse to talk to you, or if it is impossible to reach them, are you stuck with all this rage? You don’t have to be. If that happens, see if there is someone else you can talk the issue through with who might help you figure out why this pushed your buttons so much. Did you feel devalued? Lied to? Blamed? Were you treated unfairly? Were you made to feel vulnerable? Once you have a good handle on it, it will help you navigate so that you can prevent similar situations in the future. One of the goals is to learn how to stop taking things personally, because this can make you stronger and less sensitive to people’s offensive behavior.

Related Link: Celebrity News: Put Yourself First Like Lady Gaga

If there is nobody you are comfortable talking about this with, and the other person is uncooperative, then write it down for yourself. There is a reason we say the pen is mightier than the sword, and there is no better example of that than this scenario. When you are able to express yourself in words, either through talking or writing, it helps to release and decrease your anger, so instead of carrying around one hundred pounds of it, you can reduce that to a lighter load of twenty pounds or so. The sword, or in Pink and Christina’s case, a possible punch, does not address the problem or resolve the conflict. It will only lead to more of the same.

Nobody likes to be angry. But if you can use it in a positive way as a catalyst to change through conversation, it can give everyone a chance to move forward and feel better. Thankfully, Pink and Christina never came to blows. Perhaps in the future they will find the words to connect.

Please tune in to the Doctor on Call radio hour on HealthyLife.net every Tuesday at 2 PM EST, 11 AM PST. First and third Tuesdays are Shrink Wrap on Call, second Tuesdays are HuffPost on Call, and the last Tuesday of the month is Let’s Talk Sex! Email your questions dealing with relationships, intimacy, family, and friendships to Dr. Greer at askdrjane@drjanegreer.com. Connect with Dr. Jane Greer on Facebook, at www.facebook.com/DrJaneGreer, and be sure to follow @DrJaneGreer on Twitter for her latest insights on love, relationships, sex, and intimacy. For more on Dr. Greer, visit http://www.drjanegreer.com.

<!–
http://web.adblade.com/js/ads/async/show.js –>

‘);
script.type = ‘text/javascript’;
script.src = ‘http://widget.crowdignite.com/widgets/28900?_ci_wid=_CI_widget_’+_CI.counter;
script.async = true;
ref.parentNode.insertBefore(script, ref);
})();

Relationship Advice: Are Guilty Pleasures Okay?

Cupid's Pulse Article: Relationship Advice: Are Guilty Pleasures Okay?

Gina Rodriguez. Photo: David Gabber / PRPhotos.com

By Dr. Jane Greer

The pursuit of happiness is an inherent right, as stated in the Declaration of Independence. And yet, everyone grapples with pleasure in one way or another, encountering stumbling blocks along the way. Gina Rodriguez, star of the popular television show Jane The Virgin, recently admitted in celebrity news that she used to feel extremely guilty about masturbating. While masturbating is a natural and healthy activity, many people do experience guilt, especially if their religion indicates it is something to stay away from. They might also feel guilty if they are in a relationship, and worry it might be taking away from their being intimate with their partner.

We all want pleasure, but so often feel we “shouldn’t” have it for one reason or another. Guilt and anxiety can become barriers that make finding it elusive, and that is true whether someone is thinking of masturbating, or indulging in a good meal or a favorite dessert, or even taking time away from work and family to go to the spa. Generally, people have a hard time giving themselves permission to participate in self-gratification.

The question is, why does feeling good make so many people feel bad? And even more important, how can you handle the negative feelings so that they don’t spoil the positive ones? Here is some relationship advice:

Of all the pleasures people feel sheepish about, certainly masturbation is one that carries perceived taboos. By the time people have reached sexual maturity, most have explored and discovered what feels good. If they aren’t in a relationship, masturbation will give them the chance to satisfy their sexual desires. If they are, masturbating does not have to take away from the bond they have with their partner but can instead heighten their shared intimacy. But even with this in mind there is often a shameful element to it, as there is with other indulgences. There is this idea of what you should and should not be doing, when in fact, as long as you aren’t hurting another person, there is no reason to deny yourself happiness. In fact, it is important to revel in it. We all deal with so many responsibilities and tasks we have to do on a daily basis, from paying the bills to feeding the family to going to work. With that in mind, it is all the more reason to seek out pockets of pleasure that can rejuvenate you and give you the stamina to tolerate all the rest. Here are a few tips for tackling the guilt that may be thwarting your joy.

Related Link: Celebrity Women Who Built Business Empires With Their Husbands

First of all, question the source of your guilt. Are you listening to someone else’s voice in your head? Whether it be a parent or a religious figure or someone else, take time to figure out who is telling you that you shouldn’t do whatever it is you want to do. Stop that voice in midsentence and replace it with your own beliefs and convictions. Speak up and out for what you deserve and want, as Gina is doing in challenging the social stigma by talking about masturbation.

Next, give yourself permission to find pleasure. Again, as long as you aren’t completely shirking your responsibilities or causing harm to another, you have every right to pursue whatever healthy passion calls to you.

Finally, take responsibility for your well-being with the understanding that if you want to indulge it’s helpful to set parameters so that you can feel in charge. Consider what you are hoping to do, and set a middle ground that will make you feel better. Meaning, if you engage in behavior that’s triggering your guilt – a delicious dessert or masturbating – know that you will do these things and plan ahead so that you have intention, though you may not know when, you know that they will happen. In this way, rather than doing something impulsively where you feel controlled by it, you are making the decisions.

It isn’t easy to tackle guilt, but it is possible. In the end, it is important to remember it is okay to feel good. Just as Gina is speaking out and moving beyond the taboos, you can too. In the end though, keep in mind that treating yourself well will have a positive effect on everything you do, and will give you the energy and grounding you need to keep your life running and give back to others.

Please tune in to the Doctor on Call radio hour on HealthyLife.net every Tuesday at 2 PM EST, 11 AM PST. First and third Tuesdays are Shrink Wrap on Call, second Tuesdays are HuffPost on Call, and the last Tuesday of the month is Let’s Talk Sex! Email your questions dealing with relationships, intimacy, family, and friendships to Dr. Greer at askdrjane@drjanegreer.com. Connect with Dr. Jane Greer on Facebook, at www.facebook.com/DrJaneGreer, and be sure to follow @DrJaneGreer on Twitter for her latest insights on love, relationships, sex, and intimacy.

<!–
http://web.adblade.com/js/ads/async/show.js –>

‘);
script.type = ‘text/javascript’;
script.src = ‘http://widget.crowdignite.com/widgets/28900?_ci_wid=_CI_widget_’+_CI.counter;
script.async = true;
ref.parentNode.insertBefore(script, ref);
})();

Relationship Advice: Getting Over a Grudge

Cupid's Pulse Article: Relationship Advice: Getting Over a Grudge

Taylor Swift. Photo: Guillermo Proano / PR Photos

By Dr. Jane Greer

In celebrity news, social media is going crazy after pop star Taylor Swift decided to release her entire back catalog of music on all streaming services on the same day that Katy Perry released her new album, Witness. It was especially big news because Taylor had previously pulled her songs from Spotify in 2014. Some fans took it to be an intentional act, possibly to take the attention away from Katy on that important day. At the very least, the timing was interesting since Katy has publicly discussed her feud with Taylor multiple times in the last few weeks while promoting her new record. This is the perfect example of two people holding onto a grudge and resentment for a long time.

For Taylor and Katy, the grudge seems to be born out of creative competition that went on between them, but grudges can be kept over almost anything. Check out this relationship advice:


Usually at a grudge’s core is both people believing that they were wronged by the other person, and feeling justified in their anger, entitled to an apology, and basically hurt by the other person putting their own interest and needs ahead of the friendship. Very often, the pain that the betrayal causes can run so deep that people easily become consumed in their desire for retaliation and/or revenge. When this happens, the goal is to make the other person suffer and pay for the pain they put you through.

Related Link: Celebrity Break-Ups: Taylor Swift’s Ex Calvin Harris is Collaborating with Her Nemesis Katy Perry

In my book How Could You Do This To Me?: Learning To Trust After Betrayal, my chapter “I’ll Make You Pay” speaks to the nature of revenge and the toll it takes. When you lock into getting back at the other person, it keeps you connected to that person in a negative way. It is one thing to feel resentful over something a friend has done and decide to end the friendship and not have anything more to do with that person. It is another thing entirely to get mad and end the relationship, but stay connected by way of your anger. It also can be difficult for the people around you who may be drawn into the controversy as they are asked to choose sides, or worry about offending you by wanting to still be involved with the person you are feuding against. Too often there is collateral damage.

Related Link: Celebrity News: Diplo Fires Back After Katy Perry Knocks His Bedroom Skills

The question becomes, how do you end a grudge when you feel you have been betrayed? It isn’t easy to let go when you believe you have been wronged, but here are a few things to keep in mind as you attempt to do just that. The first step is realizing that if you are in this situation it is like giving bad energy free rent in your mind which could be used for more productive things.  If you keep the flame of anger burning you will have less available fuel for engaging in activities and doing things that could actually make you feel good. Recognizing this can help you choose to let go of all these vindictive thoughts so you can begin to shift your focus to what you can do for yourself, something you can control, and away from focusing on what you hope might happen to the other person, which you can’t control.

Related Link: Relationship Advice: Does Time Apart Heal Betrayal?

Another option is to deal directly with the person you have a grudge against. If you do go this route, it is important to give up the notion that you are in the right and the other is in the wrong, and that you deserve an apology. Instead, recognize that both of you are dealing with a misunderstanding, and tackle it like a team. Consider saying to the other person that obviously you both have hurt feelings, and that you are sorry for what happened and you hope that is mutual. If you try to get into your view versus theirs, it is likely that tempers might flare and you might end up being accusatory and have a difficult time problem solving. If that should occur, the only choice might be to agree to disagree, and accept that you may never get to the bottom of it, but concur that the relationship matters more and you are willing to put the disagreement behind you. At that point, you can talk about how to put guidelines in place so you can check things out with each other and be more considerate, so hopefully you can avoid altercations in the future.

Perhaps Katy and Taylor are on the brink of letting go of their grudge, and time will tell.

Please tune in to the Doctor on Call radio hour on HealthyLife.net every Tuesday at 2 PM EST, 11 AM PST. First and third Tuesdays are Shrink Wrap on Call, second Tuesdays are HuffPost on Call, and the last Tuesday of the month is Let’s Talk Sex! Email your questions dealing with relationships, intimacy, family, and friendships to Dr. Greer at askdrjane@drjanegreer.com. Connect with Dr. Jane Greer on Facebook, at www.facebook.com/DrJaneGreer, and be sure to follow @DrJaneGreer on Twitter for her latest insights on love, relationships, sex, and intimacy. For more on Dr. Greer, visit http://www.drjanegreer.com.

<!–
http://web.adblade.com/js/ads/async/show.js –>

‘);
script.type = ‘text/javascript’;
script.src = ‘http://widget.crowdignite.com/widgets/28900?_ci_wid=_CI_widget_’+_CI.counter;
script.async = true;
ref.parentNode.insertBefore(script, ref);
})();

Relationship Advice: Why Your Superiority Complex May Be Killing Your Marriage (and How to Stop It)

By David M.R. Covey and Stephan M. Mardyks

You may be married on paper, but are you and your spouse really married in spirit? Sure, you live under the same roof, you may share a last name, your finances are intertwined, and you’re (presumably) faithful to one another.

If you’re like many “happily” married couples, you haven’t really integrated your lives. Instead, you’re operating as “married singles”—and it’s because you believe your own upbringing is superior to that of your partner. Check out this relationship advice:

People usually bring two different value systems into their marriage. Where do they get those values? From their upbringing, naturally. And human nature being what it is, we tend to believe that what we are taught as children is the “right” way to operate.

If you’re not proactive in bridging the schism, the problems that arise from your conflicting viewpoints can kill your marriage (or any other kind of intimate relationship yours might be).

When you disagree on the small things—how to squeeze the toothpaste or arrange the furniture—it’s not that big a deal. But when it comes to more substantial issues, being out of sync can lead to fighting, simmering resentment, and, ultimately, divorce.

Related Link: Relationship Advice: Making Marriage Work Like Beyonce

We call this destructive pattern the “Relationship Trap.” It’s actually one of seven traps covered in our book Trap Tales: Outsmarting the 7 Hidden Obstacles to Success. In the book, we provide new insights to help you escape the seductive modern-age traps that keep you from reaching your optimal performance and happiness—and our solutions often cut against the cultural grain.

Trap Tales teaches readers the art of Trapology, as described through the tale of Alex, a husband and father who has unwittingly fallen into the traps that so many people struggle with. Alex fell into the Relationship Trap because he and his wife failed to discuss their differing values systems. Over the years, Alex left the brunt of the household duties to his wife and spent money on things he wanted while she worried over their increasing debt. Their story no doubt rings true for many couples facing similar problems.

Related Link: Celebrity Wedding: Nelly Explains Why He’s Getting Married One Time

The Relationship Trap is pervasive today for various reasons. First, women can and do work and no longer have to rely on their husbands for survival. Separation and divorce today are highly common. Plus, it’s easier than ever to meet new people online, so people tend not to feel “stuck” with their current partner when things get tough.

The bottom line? Couples need to negotiate their different roles to find harmony in the modern age. This begins with understanding the reasons why we fall into the Relationship Trap:

1. As mentioned earlier, we believe our upbringing is superior to that of our partner’s. It’s very common for each spouse to think the way things were done in their childhood is the right way to operate. Anything that runs counter to their experience is seen as different, weird, or just plain wrong. This applies to both the big things, like how they raise their kids or manage their money, and small things, like how they organize the kitchen. We make these judgments unconsciously and become annoyed at the differences in our spouse or partner.

2. We fail to shift our mindset from “me” to “we.” Most couples don’t spend enough time thinking like a team in their marriage, and the ramifications are serious. If you think of marriage as a sport, too many couples today are running track instead of playing football. But to make their marriages work best, couples must focus on transitioning from me to we and thinking of their marriage as a team sport.

3. We are unwilling to change, or we agree to change only if our partner changes first. Finally, couples fall into the Relationship Trap (and get stuck there) because they wait for their spouse to change first. But change is very difficult, and most people tend to avoid it as long as they can. In relationships, this translates to a very long wait. The lack of movement in one partner makes the other partner feel justified in not changing either. But when our partner attempts to change, our conscience is pricked to reciprocate in kind. Therefore, the best way to encourage change in your partner is to change first yourself.

Here’s the thing: The conventional approach to climbing out of the Relationship Trap—”agree to disagree” and focus on other areas in which you are compatible—doesn’t work. This approach acknowledges that you can’t change others and suggests that you just need to accept each other’s differences. However, if you can’t create a mutual perspective on important issues, your marriage is likely to remain superficial at best.

To solidify your relationship, you must create a shared vision for your marriage and agree upon a pathway to get there. People typically don’t do this because it’s easier to simply repeat what they’ve each seen modeled already. But if you want a strong marriage that goes beyond the superficial, you must do this.

Here are three steps for creating your shared vision for the future:

STEP 1: Plan some time to formulate your shared vision together. This step is crucial, and to complete it, you need to have time free of distractions and interruptions. Yes, it may feel uncomfortable at first, but you’ll quickly see that it is fun and exciting to imagine what you can accomplish in your life together. This exercise will draw you closer as a couple.

STEP 2: Discuss and come to an agreement on these three crucial issues.
How will you manage your finances?
How will you raise your kids?
How will your household duties be divided and managed?

Write down and commit to memory your agreement with your partner.

STEP 3: When disagreements arise, try this “Trap Inversion.” If you have a major disagreement, ask each other how important the issue is on a scale of 1-10 (where 1 is not important at all and 10 is extremely important). Be honest in your assessment. Allow your partner to have their way if they score higher on the scale than you on that particular disagreement.

It’s never too late to create a shared story with your partner. And the good news is that the modern world offers so many more opportunities than it ever did in the past. What couples can achieve is limitless if they just take the time to create a plan and work toward it together.
David M.R. Covey and Stephan M. Mardyks are widely seen as world-renowned experts in the field of global learning and development. They are the cofounders and CEOs of SMCOV, Wisdom Destinations, and TrapTales; and cofounders and managing partners at ThomasLeland, Leading in English, and Streamline Certified. Past experiences include serving as joint COOs at FranklinCovey.

Trap Tales: Outsmarting the 7 Hidden Obstacles to Success (Wiley, May 2017, ISBN: 978-1-1193658-9-1, $25.00) is available at bookstores nationwide, from major online booksellers, and direct from the publisher by calling 800-225-5945. In Canada, call 800-567-4797. For more information, please visit the book’s page on www.wiley.com.

<!–
http://web.adblade.com/js/ads/async/show.js –>

‘);
script.type = ‘text/javascript’;
script.src = ‘http://widget.crowdignite.com/widgets/28900?_ci_wid=_CI_widget_’+_CI.counter;
script.async = true;
ref.parentNode.insertBefore(script, ref);
})();