Relationship Advice: Are Guilty Pleasures Okay?

Cupid's Pulse Article: Relationship Advice: Are Guilty Pleasures Okay?

Gina Rodriguez. Photo: David Gabber /

By Dr. Jane Greer

The pursuit of happiness is an inherent right, as stated in the Declaration of Independence. And yet, everyone grapples with pleasure in one way or another, encountering stumbling blocks along the way. Gina Rodriguez, star of the popular television show Jane The Virgin, recently admitted in celebrity news that she used to feel extremely guilty about masturbating. While masturbating is a natural and healthy activity, many people do experience guilt, especially if their religion indicates it is something to stay away from. They might also feel guilty if they are in a relationship, and worry it might be taking away from their being intimate with their partner.

We all want pleasure, but so often feel we “shouldn’t” have it for one reason or another. Guilt and anxiety can become barriers that make finding it elusive, and that is true whether someone is thinking of masturbating, or indulging in a good meal or a favorite dessert, or even taking time away from work and family to go to the spa. Generally, people have a hard time giving themselves permission to participate in self-gratification.

The question is, why does feeling good make so many people feel bad? And even more important, how can you handle the negative feelings so that they don’t spoil the positive ones? Here is some relationship advice:

Of all the pleasures people feel sheepish about, certainly masturbation is one that carries perceived taboos. By the time people have reached sexual maturity, most have explored and discovered what feels good. If they aren’t in a relationship, masturbation will give them the chance to satisfy their sexual desires. If they are, masturbating does not have to take away from the bond they have with their partner but can instead heighten their shared intimacy. But even with this in mind there is often a shameful element to it, as there is with other indulgences. There is this idea of what you should and should not be doing, when in fact, as long as you aren’t hurting another person, there is no reason to deny yourself happiness. In fact, it is important to revel in it. We all deal with so many responsibilities and tasks we have to do on a daily basis, from paying the bills to feeding the family to going to work. With that in mind, it is all the more reason to seek out pockets of pleasure that can rejuvenate you and give you the stamina to tolerate all the rest. Here are a few tips for tackling the guilt that may be thwarting your joy.

Related Link: Celebrity Women Who Built Business Empires With Their Husbands

First of all, question the source of your guilt. Are you listening to someone else’s voice in your head? Whether it be a parent or a religious figure or someone else, take time to figure out who is telling you that you shouldn’t do whatever it is you want to do. Stop that voice in midsentence and replace it with your own beliefs and convictions. Speak up and out for what you deserve and want, as Gina is doing in challenging the social stigma by talking about masturbation.

Next, give yourself permission to find pleasure. Again, as long as you aren’t completely shirking your responsibilities or causing harm to another, you have every right to pursue whatever healthy passion calls to you.

Finally, take responsibility for your well-being with the understanding that if you want to indulge it’s helpful to set parameters so that you can feel in charge. Consider what you are hoping to do, and set a middle ground that will make you feel better. Meaning, if you engage in behavior that’s triggering your guilt – a delicious dessert or masturbating – know that you will do these things and plan ahead so that you have intention, though you may not know when, you know that they will happen. In this way, rather than doing something impulsively where you feel controlled by it, you are making the decisions.

It isn’t easy to tackle guilt, but it is possible. In the end, it is important to remember it is okay to feel good. Just as Gina is speaking out and moving beyond the taboos, you can too. In the end though, keep in mind that treating yourself well will have a positive effect on everything you do, and will give you the energy and grounding you need to keep your life running and give back to others.

Please tune in to the Doctor on Call radio hour on every Tuesday at 2 PM EST, 11 AM PST. First and third Tuesdays are Shrink Wrap on Call, second Tuesdays are HuffPost on Call, and the last Tuesday of the month is Let’s Talk Sex! Email your questions dealing with relationships, intimacy, family, and friendships to Dr. Greer at Connect with Dr. Jane Greer on Facebook, at, and be sure to follow @DrJaneGreer on Twitter for her latest insights on love, relationships, sex, and intimacy.

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Relationship Advice: Getting Over a Grudge

Cupid's Pulse Article: Relationship Advice: Getting Over a Grudge

Taylor Swift. Photo: Guillermo Proano / PR Photos

By Dr. Jane Greer

In celebrity news, social media is going crazy after pop star Taylor Swift decided to release her entire back catalog of music on all streaming services on the same day that Katy Perry released her new album, Witness. It was especially big news because Taylor had previously pulled her songs from Spotify in 2014. Some fans took it to be an intentional act, possibly to take the attention away from Katy on that important day. At the very least, the timing was interesting since Katy has publicly discussed her feud with Taylor multiple times in the last few weeks while promoting her new record. This is the perfect example of two people holding onto a grudge and resentment for a long time.

For Taylor and Katy, the grudge seems to be born out of creative competition that went on between them, but grudges can be kept over almost anything. Check out this relationship advice:

Usually at a grudge’s core is both people believing that they were wronged by the other person, and feeling justified in their anger, entitled to an apology, and basically hurt by the other person putting their own interest and needs ahead of the friendship. Very often, the pain that the betrayal causes can run so deep that people easily become consumed in their desire for retaliation and/or revenge. When this happens, the goal is to make the other person suffer and pay for the pain they put you through.

Related Link: Celebrity Break-Ups: Taylor Swift’s Ex Calvin Harris is Collaborating with Her Nemesis Katy Perry

In my book How Could You Do This To Me?: Learning To Trust After Betrayal, my chapter “I’ll Make You Pay” speaks to the nature of revenge and the toll it takes. When you lock into getting back at the other person, it keeps you connected to that person in a negative way. It is one thing to feel resentful over something a friend has done and decide to end the friendship and not have anything more to do with that person. It is another thing entirely to get mad and end the relationship, but stay connected by way of your anger. It also can be difficult for the people around you who may be drawn into the controversy as they are asked to choose sides, or worry about offending you by wanting to still be involved with the person you are feuding against. Too often there is collateral damage.

Related Link: Celebrity News: Diplo Fires Back After Katy Perry Knocks His Bedroom Skills

The question becomes, how do you end a grudge when you feel you have been betrayed? It isn’t easy to let go when you believe you have been wronged, but here are a few things to keep in mind as you attempt to do just that. The first step is realizing that if you are in this situation it is like giving bad energy free rent in your mind which could be used for more productive things.  If you keep the flame of anger burning you will have less available fuel for engaging in activities and doing things that could actually make you feel good. Recognizing this can help you choose to let go of all these vindictive thoughts so you can begin to shift your focus to what you can do for yourself, something you can control, and away from focusing on what you hope might happen to the other person, which you can’t control.

Related Link: Relationship Advice: Does Time Apart Heal Betrayal?

Another option is to deal directly with the person you have a grudge against. If you do go this route, it is important to give up the notion that you are in the right and the other is in the wrong, and that you deserve an apology. Instead, recognize that both of you are dealing with a misunderstanding, and tackle it like a team. Consider saying to the other person that obviously you both have hurt feelings, and that you are sorry for what happened and you hope that is mutual. If you try to get into your view versus theirs, it is likely that tempers might flare and you might end up being accusatory and have a difficult time problem solving. If that should occur, the only choice might be to agree to disagree, and accept that you may never get to the bottom of it, but concur that the relationship matters more and you are willing to put the disagreement behind you. At that point, you can talk about how to put guidelines in place so you can check things out with each other and be more considerate, so hopefully you can avoid altercations in the future.

Perhaps Katy and Taylor are on the brink of letting go of their grudge, and time will tell.

Please tune in to the Doctor on Call radio hour on every Tuesday at 2 PM EST, 11 AM PST. First and third Tuesdays are Shrink Wrap on Call, second Tuesdays are HuffPost on Call, and the last Tuesday of the month is Let’s Talk Sex! Email your questions dealing with relationships, intimacy, family, and friendships to Dr. Greer at Connect with Dr. Jane Greer on Facebook, at, and be sure to follow @DrJaneGreer on Twitter for her latest insights on love, relationships, sex, and intimacy. For more on Dr. Greer, visit

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Relationship Advice: Why Your Superiority Complex May Be Killing Your Marriage (and How to Stop It)

By David M.R. Covey and Stephan M. Mardyks

You may be married on paper, but are you and your spouse really married in spirit? Sure, you live under the same roof, you may share a last name, your finances are intertwined, and you’re (presumably) faithful to one another.

If you’re like many “happily” married couples, you haven’t really integrated your lives. Instead, you’re operating as “married singles”—and it’s because you believe your own upbringing is superior to that of your partner. Check out this relationship advice:

People usually bring two different value systems into their marriage. Where do they get those values? From their upbringing, naturally. And human nature being what it is, we tend to believe that what we are taught as children is the “right” way to operate.

If you’re not proactive in bridging the schism, the problems that arise from your conflicting viewpoints can kill your marriage (or any other kind of intimate relationship yours might be).

When you disagree on the small things—how to squeeze the toothpaste or arrange the furniture—it’s not that big a deal. But when it comes to more substantial issues, being out of sync can lead to fighting, simmering resentment, and, ultimately, divorce.

Related Link: Relationship Advice: Making Marriage Work Like Beyonce

We call this destructive pattern the “Relationship Trap.” It’s actually one of seven traps covered in our book Trap Tales: Outsmarting the 7 Hidden Obstacles to Success. In the book, we provide new insights to help you escape the seductive modern-age traps that keep you from reaching your optimal performance and happiness—and our solutions often cut against the cultural grain.

Trap Tales teaches readers the art of Trapology, as described through the tale of Alex, a husband and father who has unwittingly fallen into the traps that so many people struggle with. Alex fell into the Relationship Trap because he and his wife failed to discuss their differing values systems. Over the years, Alex left the brunt of the household duties to his wife and spent money on things he wanted while she worried over their increasing debt. Their story no doubt rings true for many couples facing similar problems.

Related Link: Celebrity Wedding: Nelly Explains Why He’s Getting Married One Time

The Relationship Trap is pervasive today for various reasons. First, women can and do work and no longer have to rely on their husbands for survival. Separation and divorce today are highly common. Plus, it’s easier than ever to meet new people online, so people tend not to feel “stuck” with their current partner when things get tough.

The bottom line? Couples need to negotiate their different roles to find harmony in the modern age. This begins with understanding the reasons why we fall into the Relationship Trap:

1. As mentioned earlier, we believe our upbringing is superior to that of our partner’s. It’s very common for each spouse to think the way things were done in their childhood is the right way to operate. Anything that runs counter to their experience is seen as different, weird, or just plain wrong. This applies to both the big things, like how they raise their kids or manage their money, and small things, like how they organize the kitchen. We make these judgments unconsciously and become annoyed at the differences in our spouse or partner.

2. We fail to shift our mindset from “me” to “we.” Most couples don’t spend enough time thinking like a team in their marriage, and the ramifications are serious. If you think of marriage as a sport, too many couples today are running track instead of playing football. But to make their marriages work best, couples must focus on transitioning from me to we and thinking of their marriage as a team sport.

3. We are unwilling to change, or we agree to change only if our partner changes first. Finally, couples fall into the Relationship Trap (and get stuck there) because they wait for their spouse to change first. But change is very difficult, and most people tend to avoid it as long as they can. In relationships, this translates to a very long wait. The lack of movement in one partner makes the other partner feel justified in not changing either. But when our partner attempts to change, our conscience is pricked to reciprocate in kind. Therefore, the best way to encourage change in your partner is to change first yourself.

Here’s the thing: The conventional approach to climbing out of the Relationship Trap—”agree to disagree” and focus on other areas in which you are compatible—doesn’t work. This approach acknowledges that you can’t change others and suggests that you just need to accept each other’s differences. However, if you can’t create a mutual perspective on important issues, your marriage is likely to remain superficial at best.

To solidify your relationship, you must create a shared vision for your marriage and agree upon a pathway to get there. People typically don’t do this because it’s easier to simply repeat what they’ve each seen modeled already. But if you want a strong marriage that goes beyond the superficial, you must do this.

Here are three steps for creating your shared vision for the future:

STEP 1: Plan some time to formulate your shared vision together. This step is crucial, and to complete it, you need to have time free of distractions and interruptions. Yes, it may feel uncomfortable at first, but you’ll quickly see that it is fun and exciting to imagine what you can accomplish in your life together. This exercise will draw you closer as a couple.

STEP 2: Discuss and come to an agreement on these three crucial issues.
How will you manage your finances?
How will you raise your kids?
How will your household duties be divided and managed?

Write down and commit to memory your agreement with your partner.

STEP 3: When disagreements arise, try this “Trap Inversion.” If you have a major disagreement, ask each other how important the issue is on a scale of 1-10 (where 1 is not important at all and 10 is extremely important). Be honest in your assessment. Allow your partner to have their way if they score higher on the scale than you on that particular disagreement.

It’s never too late to create a shared story with your partner. And the good news is that the modern world offers so many more opportunities than it ever did in the past. What couples can achieve is limitless if they just take the time to create a plan and work toward it together.
David M.R. Covey and Stephan M. Mardyks are widely seen as world-renowned experts in the field of global learning and development. They are the cofounders and CEOs of SMCOV, Wisdom Destinations, and TrapTales; and cofounders and managing partners at ThomasLeland, Leading in English, and Streamline Certified. Past experiences include serving as joint COOs at FranklinCovey.

Trap Tales: Outsmarting the 7 Hidden Obstacles to Success (Wiley, May 2017, ISBN: 978-1-1193658-9-1, $25.00) is available at bookstores nationwide, from major online booksellers, and direct from the publisher by calling 800-225-5945. In Canada, call 800-567-4797. For more information, please visit the book’s page on

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Relationship Advice: Keep Your Man By Becoming a Multi-Faceted Woman

Cupid's Pulse Article: Relationship Advice: Keep Your Man By Becoming a Multi-Faceted Woman

Couple holding hands in a restaurant. Photo: .shock /

By Megan weks

We can all risk becoming complacent at points in our lives. Therefore, my final tip to share on keeping the man you desire is to become and to remain a multi-faceted woman. This is a woman who is interesting, well-rounded, and has a life beyond the man or children. A big complaint I hear from men in my practice is that women lose their curiosity and sense of adventure about life and become creatures of habit who are addicted to comfort. I want you to know that you can’t assume your man will remain attracted to you if you sink into this situation.

One of my biggest pieces of relationship advice: You must work to keep things fiery and fun!

Do you have multiple interests and passions? If the answer is no, you risk losing your luster over time. In order for your man to remain interested in you for the long term, you need to remain interesting. He needs to know that there is always something he doesn’t know about you yet. If there aren’t hidden tidbits of information to uncover about you, you’ve still got a chance to create some mystery about you to keep him interested. Here are some tips to become, and remain, that multifaceted woman who will fascinate him for life:

1. Learning. There are so many incredible things to learn about in this life and not enough time t! If you don’t have a passion, that’s okay. Be on the lookout for anything you feel even a tiny bit curious about because it can snowball into a brand-new interest or hobby. Put yourself in the right situation to learn about it by reading a book or going to a class or event about it. If you find that you never stick with anything or become bored, you need to know that to become great at something, you must be able to work at it, even without passion.

2. Don’t lose yourself in your relationship or your children. Schedule time for yourself to fuel your personal growth as an individual. This will strengthen your relationship with your partner and will inspire your children to become more well-rounded,. My friend Shelley just took her eight-week old baby to Italy last week. She strapped him in the Babybjorn and took a hike to a vineyard with her husband. She came to the city last night with her baby in tow for a grownup dinner, and told us all about her trip. She’s living her life and remaining curious and adventurous! I’m telling this story to spark your inspiration. Tammin Sursok from Pretty Little Liars says, “splice up your day in sections. Do a little adult, a little kid.” (source:

3. Be daring. Jack Canfield said that your greatest triumph is on the other side of your greatest fears. What they mean by that is that life starts outside of your comfort zone. Become aware of the fears that keep you stuck, and consciously push yourself forward to the other side of your fears. When you do this, you’ll surprise yourself with your potential and ability for growth, . which will not go unnoticed by your admiring partner!

Take out your pen and paper and create a list of interesting things you will incorporate into your world in the next few months. Looking back, you’ll be surprised and proud of what you’ve accomplished by following through on your list. Your man will be thrilled to sit down with you at dinner to hear what’s new in your ever-changing, ever-expanding world.

Megan Weks is an international dating and relationship expert who specializes in helping women get the admiration they deserve from men, and to keep it. She is a certified specialist in her field, but one of her biggest credentials is her personal story. Living in New York City for over a decade, Megan has had the opportunity to meet and date many different men. Through working with a relationship guru, she literally changed from crumb-picking and obsessing over men who didn’t deserve her, to being called a “man whisperer” who men (including her now-husband) would never leave. Megan’s career is devoted to helping women who struggle with the men in their lives, to turn it all around and keep the men they desire. Aside from her coaching practice of saving hearts, She writes a monthly love column for LVBX Magazine and runs a private online woman’s discussion group where women are supported with these principles.

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Relationship Advice: Can You Move Too Fast Moving In?

Cupid's Pulse Article: Relationship Advice: Can You Move Too Fast Moving In?

Ariel Winter. Photo:

By Dr. Jane Greer

Actress Ariel Winter revealed that she’s moved in with her boyfriend, Levi Meaden, after just several months of being together. While this is an exciting next step in the relationship, it raises the question of if it is ever too soon to move in with your significant other.

Is it how long you’ve been together, or the quality of the time you have shared that determines when the time to move in with your partner is right? Check out my relationship advice.

In today’s age of Skype, Facetime, and Google Hangouts people can almost be with each other all the time, texting or even Skyping in the middle of the night. When you are in love and spending all your time with your partner, it feels logical to want to take that next step and live with them. If your lives have become entwined, you may feel your relationship is resilient enough to deal with the ins and outs of joint living. Others, though, find that marking the passage of time as a couple helps give them security that the relationship is solid before feeling ready to consider moving in with their significant other. You are already sharing your heart, but are you ready to share your home?

Related Link: New Celebrity Couple Ariel Winter & Boyfriend Levi Meaden Make Red Carpet Debut

The most important thing is to be aware of the responsibilities that come with making a home together, and knowing if you have a deep enough foundation to work through it all as a team. It becomes about more than just the love you share and begins to include housework, the bills, child and or pet care, the actual square footage, who gets more closet space, food shopping, cooking, and whatever else goes along with cohabitating. Much of that requires clear communication about what you both need for yourselves and expect from each other, and most important, the compromise it takes to accomplish it. If you are ready to share the space and everything that comes with it, that is the first step in knowing you might be ready. Another thing to consider is how involved you have become in each other’s lives. Do you spend most of your time together, including each other when making plans with family and friends? Are you basically doing everything as a pair anyway? If so, that is another indication that you might be in a good position to take that next step. Another clue that you might be heading down this road is if you are already pretty much living together at one location, with a lot of your stuff still at your own place and really being inconvenienced because you don’t have what you need a lot of the time. In that case, making the decision to consolidate and be in one house or apartment becomes the practical and considerate thing to do.

Related Link: Celebrity Couple News: Ariel Winter Reveals She’s Living with Boyfriend Levi Meaden

On the other hand, if it seems like a sacrifice or an effort to make room for your partner, if you feel they are encroaching on your personal space, and or if you feel that your partner is reluctant and unwilling to accommodate your needs, then it might be worth taking some extra time to see where your relationship stands. Similarly, if you worry about losing personal time with your family and friends, about potentially now having to be accountable to your partner for your whereabouts, this is another red flag that you might not be quite ready. Finally, if your relationship has not been stable and you’ve had a breakup along the way, there is no need to rush into anything. You might stand a better chance of going the long haul if you make sure you have the important tools in place to tackle the daily challenges of living together.

Ultimately it is up to you to sort out where you stand with all of these issues, and determine when making that big decision suits both of you. There is no right or wrong time, it just depends on your own personal situation. It seems Ariel and Levi are ready, so here’s to luck and happiness ahead for them.

Please tune in to the Doctor on Call radio hour on every Tuesday at 2 PM EST, 11 AM PST. First and third Tuesdays are Shrink Wrap on Call, second Tuesdays are HuffPost on Call, and the last Tuesday of the month is Let’s Talk Sex! Email your questions dealing with relationships, intimacy, family, and friendships to Dr. Greer at Connect with Dr. Jane Greer on Facebook, at, and be sure to follow @DrJaneGreer on Twitter for her latest insights on love, relationships, sex, and intimacy. For more on Dr. Greer, visit

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Relationship Advice: 5 Communication Keys Every Relationship Needs

Cupid's Pulse Article: Relationship Advice: 5 Communication Keys Every Relationship Needs

Couple texting during a date. Photo: dolgachov /

By Dixie Somers

The strongest relationships don’t usually just happen. Relationships take building and work, and they may change or evolve over time. Good communication tends to be at the heart of every strong and long-lasting relationship.

When people are able to communicate better, they can enjoy happy times more fully and get through bad times without falling apart. Check out this relationship advice:

Listen and Hear

Humans have a bad habit of wanting to talk and share too much about themselves. This is especially true of extroverts and people with dominating or energetic personalities. People also tend to feel better when they talk about themselves compared to talking about someone else. It takes thought and practice to force yourself to slow down and avoid talking too much about yourself or dominating every conversation.

Your friend, partner or spouse will be more comfortable and feel closer to you if you stop talking and just listen. This helps the person feel more valued and demonstrates that you care about them.

Importantly, there is a difference between just seeming to listen and really hearing and comprehending what your partner is saying. It can be easy to become a good listening actor: someone who appears to be listening attentively but is really just letting everything go in one ear and out the other. One common therapy trick for listening is to force yourself to repeat or paraphrase what the other person is saying. This can be uncomfortable or sound too much like a therapy session, but it can help to explain to your partner what you are doing and why. It’s really all part of communication practice.

Related Link: Top 7 Best-Dressed Celebrity Couples of 2013

Honesty and Vulnerability

Every relationship demands honesty. This is the cornerstone of trust and healthy communication. When both you and your partner fully believe that each of you is being truthful in everything you say, then barriers comes down and neither person feels like they need to hide something or investigate what their partner is telling them.
Showing a person vulnerability can also improve emotional trust and connection in a relationship. Trying to have all the answers all the time or put forth the idea that you are impervious to harsh words or difficult situations may actually make your partner less communicative or emotionally close. It is natural for a person to have sympathy when they see someone they care about being vulnerable, not having all the answers or needing help with a difficult situation. This sympathy is often the gateway to deeper and more honest conversations.

Stay on Topic

While casual discussion may be whimsical, arguments or disagreements tend to spiral out of control. In an effort to gain the upper hand in the argument, a person may naturally bring up other problems or issues with their partner. This only makes the situation worse and intensifies the argument.
Discussing problems and disagreements is a critical part of any strong relationship, but it’s important to stay focused. Pick a problem and work through it until it is solved. Even if your partner is being stubborn or obstinate, don’t try to load them with more issues. The goal is never to win an argument with your partner. The goal is to resolve the problem.

Related Link: Relationship Advice: 5 Must-Knows When Dealing with an Addicted Partner

Body Language

Nonverbal communication conveys far more than words during a discussion. Only about 7 percent of an average conversation is conveyed through spoken words. About 38 percent of the meaning is conveyed by tone of voice. The remaining 55 percent is conveyed nonverbally through body language, posture or facial expression. These are all averages, of course, and a person’s communication style may alter them. Certain people may be more verbal and keep an even tone that often doesn’t covey much. They may also be even more non-verbal, often using hands or gestures to express ideas instead of words.
Regardless of the numbers, nonverbal communication is a critical part of any relationship. It is important you keep track of your partner’s body language and also be mindful of what you may be communicating with your own. You may be communicating things you don’t intend to.

Share the Small Things

Some people believe that long, meaningful and deep conversations with their partner hold more value than small and everyday conversations and events. Research by one team of psychologists suggests the opposite may actually be true. While occasional deep conversations are certainly important and necessary for a true and lasting relationship, the quality of everyday communication was more impactful.

This means sharing the small things that may seem insignificant. There are several reasons behind this phenomenon. First, the small, daily communication keeps a constant but not smothering connection going. Too many deep and heavy conversations may actually be too much for the average person, and they will respond by seeking distance instead of intimacy. Second, the small and everyday details often reveal as much or more about a person than long and deep conversations. An attentive partner will pick up these daily cues and gain better understanding and connection.

Everyone should regard communication as a skill. The good news is that any skill can be learned and even a person who doesn’t seem like a very strong communicator now can become better with attention and practice. Be proactive, do some reading or see a counselor for help and strategies to improve and strengthen your relationship. If the relationship doesn’t improve or your spouse is simply unwilling to make the attempt, this could be a sign of problems beyond just poor communication. Divorce may be something to consider. It is important for your own health not to remain stuck in a relationship that isn’t working or with a person who clearly doesn’t show caring or respect for you.

Dixie Somers is a freelance writer and blogger for business, home, and family niches. Dixie lives in Phoenix, Arizona, and is the proud mother of three beautiful girls and wife to a wonderful husband. Dixie recommends visiting Divorce Matters if your partner is unwilling to commit to change in an unhappy relationship.

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Relationship Advice: How Your Excitement Drives Your Expectations

Cupid's Pulse Article: Relationship Advice: How Your Excitement Drives Your Expectations

Excited couple at a slot machine. Photo: Kzenon /

By Megan Weks

Most recently, we talked about the number one thing you will need to keep your man around. The relationship advice centered around the deep inner knowing that you are worthy. Usually, when that is sound, the other behaviors fall into place. However, there are some things that even the most confident women do to sabotage a man’s feelings. The second biggest tip I can share for holding onto a man that you desire is to be aware of how your excitement drives your expectations.

It’s important to understand how your excitement is interpreted by your man and manage your expectations in a healthy and attractive way.

Here is an example. I see many women getting ahead of themselves in their budding relationships. They have leaped way beyond where the relationship actually is at the moment. They are putting the lamp, the book, and the purse on the table before it even has legs. It’s important for the relationship to grow and become stabilized before expectations become too strong and create pressure.

Related Link: Relationship Advice: Don’t Let Him Be the One Who Got Away

Your expectations help you do these things:

1. Lose the mystique and mystery that he loves about you. He really loves not knowing exactly how the relationship will unfold.

2. Decrease the fun for him. Your expectations feel like pressure to him, which simply kills the fun!

3. Make you seem needy. Your expectations can make your energy feel clingy and constricting, which is like taking a can of man repellent out of your purse and spraying it on him.

4. Take away the work that he needs to do to fall in love with you. Yes, he wants to work for his prize. Ignore this information at your own peril!

Related Link: Dating Advice: 4 Reasons Younger Women In The City Struggle To Forge Meaningful Relationships

Some tips to help you manage your expectations:

1. Keep your life intact, the way it was before he came along. Don’t assume that each weekend will be reserved for the relationship. When you develop ideas about the way things should be, you’ll set yourself up for disappointment. Disappointments from expectations can be damaging to early relationships. If he senses that he is unable to please you because of a series of disappointments, it can be the beginning of the end. If he feels like he’s unable to please you, he’ll eventually stop trying . He’ll find someone who gives more importance to what he does well instead of focusing on his shortcomings.

2. Don’t jump to conclusions. When we feel disappointed, we can start to think the worst kinds of thoughts. Give him the time and space to surprise you. If you doubt him and make it known that you have doubts, he will be less inspired to please you!

3. Get your needs met by yourself or others so you require less of his attempts. Don’t expect him to fulfill them right from the beginning. It feels much more light and airy to him when your needs are met by you, and his affections are just the icing on the cake!
Don’t confuse this with not needing him at all or being too independent, which can backfire. What’s cake without icing, anyhow?

Obviously, excitement is part of the dating and relationship process. Otherwise, what would be the point? The tip is, however, to keep your excitement in check so it doesn’t explode into a too-early-expectations time bomb. If you want to keep the man you desire, you’ll want to curb your excitement a little until you know for sure it’s the real deal.

Slow and steady wins the race of love.

Megan Weks is an international dating and relationship expert who specializes in helping women get the admiration they deserve from men, and to keep it. She is a certified specialist in her field, but one of her biggest credentials is her personal story. Living in New York City for over a decade, Megan has had the opportunity to meet and date many different men. Through working with a relationship guru, she literally changed from crumb-picking and obsessing over men who didn’t deserve her, to being called a “man whisperer” who men (including her now-husband) would never leave. Megan’s career is devoted to helping women who struggle with the men in their lives, to turn it all around and keep the men they desire. Aside from her coaching practice of saving hearts, She writes a monthly love column for LVBX Magazine and runs a private online woman’s discussion group where women are supported with these principles.

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